hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
