She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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