I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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