quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just had sex bonerless
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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