God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
