i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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