it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
