Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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