I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
