Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
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Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
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my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.