i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
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just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
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Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.