She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
