New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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