There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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