Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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