Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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