They should really pass out barf bags in church
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
