it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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