Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
