So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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