you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
even my farts smell like vagina
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
