My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
