sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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