also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
