$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
