seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
