I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
