my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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