She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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