i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
