Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
