party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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