my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
