I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
my poor anus
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
