Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
