People with herpes should wear stickers.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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