rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
