he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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