oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
