Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Boobs are out for the taking
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
