Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
