Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
