Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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