I will die if light touches me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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