There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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