Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
