I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
