the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
