so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
