In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
