I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
