see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
