I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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