Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
