when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
