you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
