I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize