So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
