proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
false alarm, still single
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