How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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