Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
