some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
