If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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