Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
